Contemplating Orange Crush

Hello Mr President.

Hi have we met before?

Oh yes, you liked my pussy….

Really? Was it orange like me?

I was in the Secret Service and you called me Agent Orange!

Wow, you must have had a killer pussy!

It sure blew your mind… 

….. So I hope you can remember something useful and answer my questions….

Don’t get aggressive now….

So tell me, do you believe China has Weapons Of Mass Destruction?

Oh yes, I do….

And you have hard evidence?

Yes, our intelligence people have reliable evidence!

So what are you going to do?

I have told the Chinese that we want our inspectors to access their labs.

And if they refuse?

We will punish them! I think we might invade…. Show them how great we are!

Really? Do you remember when Bush said Iraq was making viruses in their Labs?

Iraq, Iraq…. Is that a place?

Do you remember when we said if the communists took over Vietnam, all the SE Asian dominoes would fall?

That was long before my time… What happened?

We unleashed Agent Orange!

You really f**ked them over then….

Totally, yes and we are still paying for it!

Hmm, I’m the richest man in the world!  What are you doing after work?

Dealing With Covid 19 And Climate Change In Australia

Hello Minister…. Are you staying well?

Oh yes indeed. I have been maintaining social distancing!

And it has worked for you?

Oh and for the nation!

We seem to be doing well… So how long do you expect this to continue?

It depends on the science! We follow the advice of the scientific experts! That is the way we will avoid a total catastrophe.

So, it’s all about the science?

Yes, we accept the modelling and we formulate policy based on the scientific advice. And we wait for the scientists to find a vaccine or a cure…

And following the science is more important than following big business?

Yes in the short term, but in the longer term business will thank us! Everybody will thank us!

So will you change your policies to avert the catastrophic disaster that scientific modelling of climate change predicts? I mean, the vast majority of reputable climate scientists are predicting a cataclysm if we don’t do something soon!

Not everyone accepts that view! In the mean time we need an enquiry into the origins of the Covid 19 crisis!

But wasn’t it largely because politicians ignored the warnings of medical and scientific experts, both in China and then the rest of the world and did not take the appropriate actions quickly enough?

Australia has been quick to react and we have done well….. We have followed expert advice…

Yes, so shouldn’t we do more about climate change when it could destroy humanity and the planet as we know it?

Let us pray not!

Huh?

A Patient Prime Minister In Waiting

It has been a while, Prime Minister In Waiting....

"Well I'm a very patient man."

What have you been doing all this time?

"Walking the righteous path, meeting with elders, taking council, talking to my flock."

Are you not anxious for change?

"You should know that at heart, I am a very conservative person, so rapid change is not my thing."

You're happy just to wait for your second coming and not help things along?

"I don't need to, but if my supporters conduct a little sabotage.... burn a few bridges, light a fuse or two, sink a few boats.... "

That sounds like ISIS!

"Oh, I mean it metaphorically!"  "I believe in our democratic system!"

Still, sounds a like a storm on the horizon to me...

"Well every rainbow needs a little rain!"

Ah, you have a rainbow connection too?

"Back off sister!"

OK, OK.... I don't want a shirt front in my solar plexus!

"Sorry, I apologise." "I would never do that to a woman!"

Ah of course... You were just letting off steam?

"I won't bust my boiler, when I just have to keep the coal fires smouldering."

I suppose...so it could be long wait?

"Don't worry, I'm confident the sun won't burn a hole in my hat before I'm boss again!"

So there's a climate for change in this country?

"Oh believe me sister, there is a train a coming and a change is gonna come Oh Lord!"

Ah well, I hope you are not standing in the middle of the tracks, Prime Minister In Waiting!

Now that the torture is in its new phase...

Hello again Prime Minister in waiting...

Please don't call me that!

Well, you are looking in a better position than before the election.... and you were pretty much on the money with your predictions!

I know... but in all modesty, I won't say "I told you so!"

No?

Oh all right, Na na n na-na, I told you so! I told you so! I told you so! 

Now you sound like the school yard bully....

Uh? I just had to enjoy being right about something for once...

For once, Prime Minister in Waiting,

F off numbskull!

No, you don't sound like a future Prime Minister....

Now that the torture is coming to a...new phase

Hello Prime Minister!

Oh you know I am no-longer the Prime Minister!

But you were!

Yes, but this is not America. We don't keep our title, like their Presidents...

True... but you are the Prime Minister in waiting.....

Well I won't have to wait long before these blowsy boys bury themselves after this election!

You hope so?

I just listen to their endless repetitive boring piffle with cotton-wool in their mouths and I know they won't last... I mean, their woolly waffle belongs in the social pages...

You mean Socialist pages?

No sport, the social pages! When I'm Prime Minister politics will be back on the sporting pages, where it belongs. Fighting the good fight. Killing em with our decisive manoeuvring. Making them beg for mercy. They won't know what hit 'em!

I guess not, Prime Minister.....

Don't Worry About The Future

Hello Prime Minister, How’s it going?

Great. We are in a new phase of good governance!

So, I thought the economy was heading for car crash!

Ah, that’s why we are reinstating support for the car industry…

And reversing other budget cuts? What about Labour’s budgetary black holes?

We want people to be happy!

Will they be happy when they fall into a black hole?

Now don’t you worry about that! That’s far off in the future, laddy!

Sort of like Climate Change?

Yes!

I see, Prime Minister.

A Small Matter of Priorities

Prime Minister, some people are worried about the Government’s priorities…

The Government’s first priority is looking after our national interest.

Does that stop at our borders?

Well Mike, the Government will assess each issue on its merits.

Ah.

We will not waste money on frivolous and unnecessary projects!

You want maximum bang for buck, like bombing Iraq?

Our economy is vulnerable and we must focus on the most important issues!

Not Ebola, Malaria, pollution, climate change, species extinction?

We will not put our citizens at risk by committing them to deal with these problems….

So who will?

We are just a small country, with a fragile economy that mainly relies on selling natural resources to China and we can do very little….

So just a couple of bombs?

Yeah….

Putative Problem

Hello Prime Minister,

Hi Sport!

I understand we are having another review of our training system.

Yes, we need to get back basics…           

Back to basics?

Yes, our education system is in disarray.

So, not teaching the three Rs is the putative reason our education system has crashed?

Pardon? Putin has nothing to do with it!

Prime Minister, How do you spell “Diplomacy”?

S...h…i...

Umm. I said “Diplomacy”.

Listen Sport, I’m the captain of this team and if I decide to spell a word my way, then that’s how we spell it! Right!? Now out of my way …

Yes Prime Minister!

More about drones...

Hello again Minister!

Hello Mike, Pleased to be with you!

I’d like to ask you about some operational matters….

The government does not discuss operational matters….

But you have announced that our Ipod controlled drones have been flying over Iraq…

Yes.

And they did nothing?

The government does not discuss operational matters….

There was an announcement that they could not distinguish the goodies from the baddies, so they returned to base.

Hmm, but the government does not discuss operational matters….

Do you think this was a face recognition software glitch or something else??

Are you saying we only judge the enemy by their appearance?

No, I am asking for facts!

We have discussed this problem with Apple and they are preparing a special software upgrade for us called 10.0 …

Isn’t that Microsoft’s new operating system?

The Australian government demanded we only have latest and greatest, so Apple said they would give us 10.0 …

So this should solve the problem?

The government does not discuss operational matters….but we hope so…

Really?

Deja Vu

So how does it feel to be Prime Minister after five months in power?

Great! It’s like riding a bike!

How so?

You get on it, put your head down and your bum up and you pedal like mad!

So how do you know where you’re going?

Ah, you look in the rear-view mirror!

You do?

Yes and you see all the great Party leaders and their past policies guiding you…

Into the future?

Yes it is a brave new world!

Just like the old one?

Yes!

Ah, so now I understand….