Dealing With Covid 19 And Climate Change In Australia

Hello Minister…. Are you staying well?

Oh yes indeed. I have been maintaining social distancing!

And it has worked for you?

Oh and for the nation!

We seem to be doing well… So how long do you expect this to continue?

It depends on the science! We follow the advice of the scientific experts! That is the way we will avoid a total catastrophe.

So, it’s all about the science?

Yes, we accept the modelling and we formulate policy based on the scientific advice. And we wait for the scientists to find a vaccine or a cure…

And following the science is more important than following big business?

Yes in the short term, but in the longer term business will thank us! Everybody will thank us!

So will you change your policies to avert the catastrophic disaster that scientific modelling of climate change predicts? I mean, the vast majority of reputable climate scientists are predicting a cataclysm if we don’t do something soon!

Not everyone accepts that view! In the mean time we need an enquiry into the origins of the Covid 19 crisis!

But wasn’t it largely because politicians ignored the warnings of medical and scientific experts, both in China and then the rest of the world and did not take the appropriate actions quickly enough?

Australia has been quick to react and we have done well….. We have followed expert advice…

Yes, so shouldn’t we do more about climate change when it could destroy humanity and the planet as we know it?

Let us pray not!

Huh?

A Patient Prime Minister In Waiting

It has been a while, Prime Minister In Waiting....

"Well I'm a very patient man."

What have you been doing all this time?

"Walking the righteous path, meeting with elders, taking council, talking to my flock."

Are you not anxious for change?

"You should know that at heart, I am a very conservative person, so rapid change is not my thing."

You're happy just to wait for your second coming and not help things along?

"I don't need to, but if my supporters conduct a little sabotage.... burn a few bridges, light a fuse or two, sink a few boats.... "

That sounds like ISIS!

"Oh, I mean it metaphorically!"  "I believe in our democratic system!"

Still, sounds a like a storm on the horizon to me...

"Well every rainbow needs a little rain!"

Ah, you have a rainbow connection too?

"Back off sister!"

OK, OK.... I don't want a shirt front in my solar plexus!

"Sorry, I apologise." "I would never do that to a woman!"

Ah of course... You were just letting off steam?

"I won't bust my boiler, when I just have to keep the coal fires smouldering."

I suppose...so it could be long wait?

"Don't worry, I'm confident the sun won't burn a hole in my hat before I'm boss again!"

So there's a climate for change in this country?

"Oh believe me sister, there is a train a coming and a change is gonna come Oh Lord!"

Ah well, I hope you are not standing in the middle of the tracks, Prime Minister In Waiting!

Now that the torture is in its new phase...

Hello again Prime Minister in waiting...

Please don't call me that!

Well, you are looking in a better position than before the election.... and you were pretty much on the money with your predictions!

I know... but in all modesty, I won't say "I told you so!"

No?

Oh all right, Na na n na-na, I told you so! I told you so! I told you so! 

Now you sound like the school yard bully....

Uh? I just had to enjoy being right about something for once...

For once, Prime Minister in Waiting,

F off numbskull!

No, you don't sound like a future Prime Minister....

Now that the torture is coming to a...new phase

Hello Prime Minister!

Oh you know I am no-longer the Prime Minister!

But you were!

Yes, but this is not America. We don't keep our title, like their Presidents...

True... but you are the Prime Minister in waiting.....

Well I won't have to wait long before these blowsy boys bury themselves after this election!

You hope so?

I just listen to their endless repetitive boring piffle with cotton-wool in their mouths and I know they won't last... I mean, their woolly waffle belongs in the social pages...

You mean Socialist pages?

No sport, the social pages! When I'm Prime Minister politics will be back on the sporting pages, where it belongs. Fighting the good fight. Killing em with our decisive manoeuvring. Making them beg for mercy. They won't know what hit 'em!

I guess not, Prime Minister.....

The Prime Minister Has Left The Building!

Prime Minister, Prime Minister where are you?

Who are you looking for?

Tony!

Oh, Tony has left the building!

Left his bunker? Does that mean the war is over? He was our war time Prime Minister!

Oh no! Only the battle!

But his army has been routed!

Oh but that does not mean the war is over. The guerrilla war has just begun!

.... But this isn’t Iraq or Afghanistan or Syria!!

And Tony won’t hide in a fox hole in the desert!

God knows where this will end.

Ah, God is Great!

Huh?

Don't Worry About The Future

Hello Prime Minister, How’s it going?

Great. We are in a new phase of good governance!

So, I thought the economy was heading for car crash!

Ah, that’s why we are reinstating support for the car industry…

And reversing other budget cuts? What about Labour’s budgetary black holes?

We want people to be happy!

Will they be happy when they fall into a black hole?

Now don’t you worry about that! That’s far off in the future, laddy!

Sort of like Climate Change?

Yes!

I see, Prime Minister.

The Knight Prince

Happy New Year Prime Minister!

  Hello!

The war must be going very well!

   Well, yes… it is….

I hear you have a new knight to champion your cause!

   Er…

Yes, Sir Prince!

   Oh, but knighthoods are not political appointments!

And neither are the Royals!

  No!

So what is the point of them?

   Well, they show others what we stand for! And they make us feel good too.

You must be feeling really good then, Prime Minister???

   Hmmm.

A Small Matter of Priorities

Prime Minister, some people are worried about the Government’s priorities…

The Government’s first priority is looking after our national interest.

Does that stop at our borders?

Well Mike, the Government will assess each issue on its merits.

Ah.

We will not waste money on frivolous and unnecessary projects!

You want maximum bang for buck, like bombing Iraq?

Our economy is vulnerable and we must focus on the most important issues!

Not Ebola, Malaria, pollution, climate change, species extinction?

We will not put our citizens at risk by committing them to deal with these problems….

So who will?

We are just a small country, with a fragile economy that mainly relies on selling natural resources to China and we can do very little….

So just a couple of bombs?

Yeah….

Putative Problem

Hello Prime Minister,

Hi Sport!

I understand we are having another review of our training system.

Yes, we need to get back basics…           

Back to basics?

Yes, our education system is in disarray.

So, not teaching the three Rs is the putative reason our education system has crashed?

Pardon? Putin has nothing to do with it!

Prime Minister, How do you spell “Diplomacy”?

S...h…i...

Umm. I said “Diplomacy”.

Listen Sport, I’m the captain of this team and if I decide to spell a word my way, then that’s how we spell it! Right!? Now out of my way …

Yes Prime Minister!

More about drones...

Hello again Minister!

Hello Mike, Pleased to be with you!

I’d like to ask you about some operational matters….

The government does not discuss operational matters….

But you have announced that our Ipod controlled drones have been flying over Iraq…

Yes.

And they did nothing?

The government does not discuss operational matters….

There was an announcement that they could not distinguish the goodies from the baddies, so they returned to base.

Hmm, but the government does not discuss operational matters….

Do you think this was a face recognition software glitch or something else??

Are you saying we only judge the enemy by their appearance?

No, I am asking for facts!

We have discussed this problem with Apple and they are preparing a special software upgrade for us called 10.0 …

Isn’t that Microsoft’s new operating system?

The Australian government demanded we only have latest and greatest, so Apple said they would give us 10.0 …

So this should solve the problem?

The government does not discuss operational matters….but we hope so…

Really?

Team Australia Declares War

Fellow Team Australia Members,

I am speaking to you in troubling circumstances from my tree bunker in faraway Arnhem Land.  I am soberly and reluctantly announcing that your government has declared war on Ibis. We have, I believe shown incredible restraint and do not go into this endeavour at all lightly. We are aware of the potential social and economic costs. However Ibis have gotten out of control. Their numbers have grown to the point where they are disrupting everyday life. We have seen Ibis walking in the main streets of our towns, putting the welfare of motorists and pedestrians at risk. Picnickers have nearly lost their heads to marauding birds.  Enough is enough. We can no longer tolerate this aberrant behaviour.

To this end, your government has purchased a fleet of the latest vertical take-off drones, equipped with the latest bird repellent noise-makers and scatter shot-guns. They will be controlled using the latest Apple iPhone 6 loaded with a top secret version of IOS 8.1 … developed by Apple U.S. under the guidance of our Air force, made in China and assembled somewhere  in Australia …. We believe this approach to be effective and affordable with minimal risk to the lives of Australians and will remove the threat that Ibis bring to the Australian way of life.

Ibis should be regarded as dangerous and no citizen should approach or attempt to engage with an Ibis. If you as a member of Team Australia, notice flocks of Ibis congregating in your neighbourhood, it is your patriotic duty to ”tweet” to  the nation so that our drones can take prompt and effective action to keep our nation safe.  The nation that “tweets” together flies!  Ibis will fall!

Further updates will be transmitted from this bunker in coming days.  I look forward to our glorious victory.

Your beloved Team Leader.

The Aging Population Problem

So Prime Minister, our aging population is a major problem for your budgeting?

Don’t you worry about that now…

But I’m an aging baby boomer. I am concerned for my future!

No worries. We have had an enquiry and have a solution.

A solution?

Yes, it’s called the Pacific Solution.

But that’s for Boat People!

And it worked for them! Baby boomers like to travel and we think they will like to spend their retirement years in Asia. They will be much cheaper to support there…. I mean living expenses and medical costs will be far less. The Asians will barely notice a few Australian retirees. I mean our numbers are barely significant compared with their populations. And think of the contribution the wealthy retirees will make to the local economies! There will be no argument.

And if they don’t want to go?

Ah well, we have places we don’t use any more, where we can put them…

You have?

Yes, you know. Inverbrackie, Villawood, Port Augusta, Port Hedland….. and many others!

Deja Vu

So how does it feel to be Prime Minister after five months in power?

Great! It’s like riding a bike!

How so?

You get on it, put your head down and your bum up and you pedal like mad!

So how do you know where you’re going?

Ah, you look in the rear-view mirror!

You do?

Yes and you see all the great Party leaders and their past policies guiding you…

Into the future?

Yes it is a brave new world!

Just like the old one?

Yes!

Ah, so now I understand….

Black-Out Day (or Changing Religions)

I never really knew him as well as I needed to…

He walked among us but he was different.

He was a man who only said what was necessary.

So many questions with so few answers.

Then the black day arrived, when he was banished from our media life.

Would I live to regret not knowing him better, when the day of judgement arrived?

…

But then I was overcome with righteous joy!

On the third day he would be resurrected in a different incarnation.

He would be the way, the truth and the light would shine brightly on all his words and deeds…

And we would all know who he really was…

And we will hold hands as one and he will preach peace and unity…

We will be in awe of his power…..

And he will gather his disciples close to him and he will cast out the unbelievers

His word will be “The Word” and we will  all walk in his shadow.

He will wash the blood from the seats of power and

He will welcome the money lenders,

For he will be nothing without them…

Isolationism

As the candidate representing Queensland...
Sorry No, I am the candidate for all Australians!
How do you plan to deal with our economic woes?
We will put our unemployed to work at building  a wall.
A wall?
Yes, a great wall! Made of blocks of coal! Around Queensland! Australia!
A black block wall?
Yes!! And the unemployed will paint it white, and put the skeletons of fossilized dinosaurs atop it.
Sort of white wash the problem?
And we will dress our gladiators in brown and gold and they will hurl spears of sugar cane from the top of the wall down at the approaching hoards who want to invade our land of plenty.... and soon nobody will want to come here...
True.

The Economy

What do you see as the major problems with the economy?

Well, obviously the down turn in the mining industry and the high Australian dollar have been major problems… We hoped that housing construction would take up the slack….

So are we too dependent on mining and agricultural exports?

We are very good at building houses….

But who is going to live in these houses?

Hairdressers and baristas are doing well….

What about our manufacturing industry?

I have great respect for our manufacturing industry… Pental, Jimmy Possum, Spring Gully…

Who?
Well, Holden, Toyota, WD & HR Wills...
Ah ha...

Mistaken Identity

I would like to ask you about climate change.
Oh, I just want to talk about “boat people”.
Won’t you talk about our manufacturing industry?
No, I just want to talk about “boat people”.
Why can’t we talk about education, research and development, maybe housing or the aging population?
Because I just want to talk about “boat people”.
OK, so tell me what you are going to do about “boat people”....
Well to begin with I am going to eradicate poverty, starvation and extreme inequality, educate people to tolerate difference and live together in harmony and stop wars so people will be happy to live wherever they are....
Oh, that doesn't sound like your party’s policy!
Sorry, I’m not the candidate! I’m his sound engineer!

Black Holes

The others say your budgeting is full of black holes.

Who do they think they are? Brian Cox?

We are talking about budgeting, not astronomy!

There are no black holes in our budgeting!

The others say it is full of assumptions about future income streams.

Our figures have been evaluated by Treasury economists and they confirm there are no black holes.

You mean by the people who foresaw the GFC?

I didn’t say Treasury astrologists!

So they foresaw the GFC?

The Treasury has economists, not astrologists!

And they don’t see black holes?

No.

Your Interests at Heart

Vote for us, we have your interests at heart.

How do you know my interests?

I am just like you!

Well I am white, middle class, own my own home, car, boat and holiday home, manage a medium sized business, send my children to private school, have private health cover, like to travel and live in a nice suburb with like-minded people who don’t  want under privileged  or “different” people living next door.

As I said, just like you…

Ah, so are you Liberal or Labour?

Yes

Part IV - Taxation Policy

So will you increase the GST?

I categorically deny we will increase the GST!

So how will you pay for your promises?

We will not increase the GST!

Where will the money come from?

By cutting the flab, reducing waste and being more efficient than them.

Isn't that what all previous governments have promised?

Yes, and we will always be more effective in reducing waste than they will be…

Does that mean you won’t increase taxes?

We are fiscally responsible and we will only spend what we can afford.

So, no tax increases?

Our policy is not to increase taxation but rather to cut flab and where appropriate, redistribute wealth….

Huh?