Prime Minister Fears Executions

All appeals have failed

The executions are inevitable…

Now…

There's a bicycle comin'

And I'm gonna ride it

I'll rise in the morning

My fate decided it

I'm a dead man cyclin'

I'm a dead man cyclin'

Already broken, already gone
Already know you're moving on
I'm a breathing, talking
Dead man, cycling
Already see it, in your face
Already someone, in my place
I'm a breathing, talking
Dead man, cycling

I hear the media talking talking talking
Now I'm a dead man cycling cycling cycling
I hear the media talking talking talking
Now I'm a dead man.

In the future, the execution will not be televised.
In the future, the execution will not be televised.

In the future, the execution will not be televised?

(with apologies to Springsteen, The Script and G Scott-Heron)

The Knight Prince

Happy New Year Prime Minister!

  Hello!

The war must be going very well!

   Well, yes… it is….

I hear you have a new knight to champion your cause!

   Er…

Yes, Sir Prince!

   Oh, but knighthoods are not political appointments!

And neither are the Royals!

  No!

So what is the point of them?

   Well, they show others what we stand for! And they make us feel good too.

You must be feeling really good then, Prime Minister???

   Hmmm.

A Small Matter of Priorities

Prime Minister, some people are worried about the Government’s priorities…

The Government’s first priority is looking after our national interest.

Does that stop at our borders?

Well Mike, the Government will assess each issue on its merits.

Ah.

We will not waste money on frivolous and unnecessary projects!

You want maximum bang for buck, like bombing Iraq?

Our economy is vulnerable and we must focus on the most important issues!

Not Ebola, Malaria, pollution, climate change, species extinction?

We will not put our citizens at risk by committing them to deal with these problems….

So who will?

We are just a small country, with a fragile economy that mainly relies on selling natural resources to China and we can do very little….

So just a couple of bombs?

Yeah….

Putative Problem

Hello Prime Minister,

Hi Sport!

I understand we are having another review of our training system.

Yes, we need to get back basics…           

Back to basics?

Yes, our education system is in disarray.

So, not teaching the three Rs is the putative reason our education system has crashed?

Pardon? Putin has nothing to do with it!

Prime Minister, How do you spell “Diplomacy”?

S...h…i...

Umm. I said “Diplomacy”.

Listen Sport, I’m the captain of this team and if I decide to spell a word my way, then that’s how we spell it! Right!? Now out of my way …

Yes Prime Minister!

More about drones...

Hello again Minister!

Hello Mike, Pleased to be with you!

I’d like to ask you about some operational matters….

The government does not discuss operational matters….

But you have announced that our Ipod controlled drones have been flying over Iraq…

Yes.

And they did nothing?

The government does not discuss operational matters….

There was an announcement that they could not distinguish the goodies from the baddies, so they returned to base.

Hmm, but the government does not discuss operational matters….

Do you think this was a face recognition software glitch or something else??

Are you saying we only judge the enemy by their appearance?

No, I am asking for facts!

We have discussed this problem with Apple and they are preparing a special software upgrade for us called 10.0 …

Isn’t that Microsoft’s new operating system?

The Australian government demanded we only have latest and greatest, so Apple said they would give us 10.0 …

So this should solve the problem?

The government does not discuss operational matters….but we hope so…

Really?

Team Australia Declares War

Fellow Team Australia Members,

I am speaking to you in troubling circumstances from my tree bunker in faraway Arnhem Land.  I am soberly and reluctantly announcing that your government has declared war on Ibis. We have, I believe shown incredible restraint and do not go into this endeavour at all lightly. We are aware of the potential social and economic costs. However Ibis have gotten out of control. Their numbers have grown to the point where they are disrupting everyday life. We have seen Ibis walking in the main streets of our towns, putting the welfare of motorists and pedestrians at risk. Picnickers have nearly lost their heads to marauding birds.  Enough is enough. We can no longer tolerate this aberrant behaviour.

To this end, your government has purchased a fleet of the latest vertical take-off drones, equipped with the latest bird repellent noise-makers and scatter shot-guns. They will be controlled using the latest Apple iPhone 6 loaded with a top secret version of IOS 8.1 … developed by Apple U.S. under the guidance of our Air force, made in China and assembled somewhere  in Australia …. We believe this approach to be effective and affordable with minimal risk to the lives of Australians and will remove the threat that Ibis bring to the Australian way of life.

Ibis should be regarded as dangerous and no citizen should approach or attempt to engage with an Ibis. If you as a member of Team Australia, notice flocks of Ibis congregating in your neighbourhood, it is your patriotic duty to ”tweet” to  the nation so that our drones can take prompt and effective action to keep our nation safe.  The nation that “tweets” together flies!  Ibis will fall!

Further updates will be transmitted from this bunker in coming days.  I look forward to our glorious victory.

Your beloved Team Leader.

Answering Budget Questions...

So Prime Minister, how are you coping with the public anger over your budget?

The Government is doing what is best for Australia and Australians.

Do you feel people are justified in believing you have miss-led them?

Australians will learn that we have done the responsible thing for the country.

Will you change your budget in response to public criticism?

The government has developed this budget after detailed analysis and due consideration...

Do you ever answer a question directly?

The Australian people will have the opportunity to judge us at the next election....

Do you remember Kevin Rudd?

Yes, why?