Contemplating Orange Crush

Hello Mr President.

Hi have we met before?

Oh yes, you liked my pussy….

Really? Was it orange like me?

I was in the Secret Service and you called me Agent Orange!

Wow, you must have had a killer pussy!

It sure blew your mind… 

….. So I hope you can remember something useful and answer my questions….

Don’t get aggressive now….

So tell me, do you believe China has Weapons Of Mass Destruction?

Oh yes, I do….

And you have hard evidence?

Yes, our intelligence people have reliable evidence!

So what are you going to do?

I have told the Chinese that we want our inspectors to access their labs.

And if they refuse?

We will punish them! I think we might invade…. Show them how great we are!

Really? Do you remember when Bush said Iraq was making viruses in their Labs?

Iraq, Iraq…. Is that a place?

Do you remember when we said if the communists took over Vietnam, all the SE Asian dominoes would fall?

That was long before my time… What happened?

We unleashed Agent Orange!

You really f**ked them over then….

Totally, yes and we are still paying for it!

Hmm, I’m the richest man in the world!  What are you doing after work?

Dealing With Covid 19 And Climate Change In Australia

Hello Minister…. Are you staying well?

Oh yes indeed. I have been maintaining social distancing!

And it has worked for you?

Oh and for the nation!

We seem to be doing well… So how long do you expect this to continue?

It depends on the science! We follow the advice of the scientific experts! That is the way we will avoid a total catastrophe.

So, it’s all about the science?

Yes, we accept the modelling and we formulate policy based on the scientific advice. And we wait for the scientists to find a vaccine or a cure…

And following the science is more important than following big business?

Yes in the short term, but in the longer term business will thank us! Everybody will thank us!

So will you change your policies to avert the catastrophic disaster that scientific modelling of climate change predicts? I mean, the vast majority of reputable climate scientists are predicting a cataclysm if we don’t do something soon!

Not everyone accepts that view! In the mean time we need an enquiry into the origins of the Covid 19 crisis!

But wasn’t it largely because politicians ignored the warnings of medical and scientific experts, both in China and then the rest of the world and did not take the appropriate actions quickly enough?

Australia has been quick to react and we have done well….. We have followed expert advice…

Yes, so shouldn’t we do more about climate change when it could destroy humanity and the planet as we know it?

Let us pray not!

Huh?

A Patient Prime Minister In Waiting

It has been a while, Prime Minister In Waiting....

"Well I'm a very patient man."

What have you been doing all this time?

"Walking the righteous path, meeting with elders, taking council, talking to my flock."

Are you not anxious for change?

"You should know that at heart, I am a very conservative person, so rapid change is not my thing."

You're happy just to wait for your second coming and not help things along?

"I don't need to, but if my supporters conduct a little sabotage.... burn a few bridges, light a fuse or two, sink a few boats.... "

That sounds like ISIS!

"Oh, I mean it metaphorically!"  "I believe in our democratic system!"

Still, sounds a like a storm on the horizon to me...

"Well every rainbow needs a little rain!"

Ah, you have a rainbow connection too?

"Back off sister!"

OK, OK.... I don't want a shirt front in my solar plexus!

"Sorry, I apologise." "I would never do that to a woman!"

Ah of course... You were just letting off steam?

"I won't bust my boiler, when I just have to keep the coal fires smouldering."

I suppose...so it could be long wait?

"Don't worry, I'm confident the sun won't burn a hole in my hat before I'm boss again!"

So there's a climate for change in this country?

"Oh believe me sister, there is a train a coming and a change is gonna come Oh Lord!"

Ah well, I hope you are not standing in the middle of the tracks, Prime Minister In Waiting!

Now that the torture is in its new phase...

Hello again Prime Minister in waiting...

Please don't call me that!

Well, you are looking in a better position than before the election.... and you were pretty much on the money with your predictions!

I know... but in all modesty, I won't say "I told you so!"

No?

Oh all right, Na na n na-na, I told you so! I told you so! I told you so! 

Now you sound like the school yard bully....

Uh? I just had to enjoy being right about something for once...

For once, Prime Minister in Waiting,

F off numbskull!

No, you don't sound like a future Prime Minister....

Now that the torture is coming to a...new phase

Hello Prime Minister!

Oh you know I am no-longer the Prime Minister!

But you were!

Yes, but this is not America. We don't keep our title, like their Presidents...

True... but you are the Prime Minister in waiting.....

Well I won't have to wait long before these blowsy boys bury themselves after this election!

You hope so?

I just listen to their endless repetitive boring piffle with cotton-wool in their mouths and I know they won't last... I mean, their woolly waffle belongs in the social pages...

You mean Socialist pages?

No sport, the social pages! When I'm Prime Minister politics will be back on the sporting pages, where it belongs. Fighting the good fight. Killing em with our decisive manoeuvring. Making them beg for mercy. They won't know what hit 'em!

I guess not, Prime Minister.....

The Prime Minister Has Left The Building!

Prime Minister, Prime Minister where are you?

Who are you looking for?

Tony!

Oh, Tony has left the building!

Left his bunker? Does that mean the war is over? He was our war time Prime Minister!

Oh no! Only the battle!

But his army has been routed!

Oh but that does not mean the war is over. The guerrilla war has just begun!

.... But this isn’t Iraq or Afghanistan or Syria!!

And Tony won’t hide in a fox hole in the desert!

God knows where this will end.

Ah, God is Great!

Huh?

Don't Worry About The Future

Hello Prime Minister, How’s it going?

Great. We are in a new phase of good governance!

So, I thought the economy was heading for car crash!

Ah, that’s why we are reinstating support for the car industry…

And reversing other budget cuts? What about Labour’s budgetary black holes?

We want people to be happy!

Will they be happy when they fall into a black hole?

Now don’t you worry about that! That’s far off in the future, laddy!

Sort of like Climate Change?

Yes!

I see, Prime Minister.

Prime Minister Fears Executions

All appeals have failed

The executions are inevitable…

Now…

There's a bicycle comin'

And I'm gonna ride it

I'll rise in the morning

My fate decided it

I'm a dead man cyclin'

I'm a dead man cyclin'

Already broken, already gone
Already know you're moving on
I'm a breathing, talking
Dead man, cycling
Already see it, in your face
Already someone, in my place
I'm a breathing, talking
Dead man, cycling

I hear the media talking talking talking
Now I'm a dead man cycling cycling cycling
I hear the media talking talking talking
Now I'm a dead man.

In the future, the execution will not be televised.
In the future, the execution will not be televised.

In the future, the execution will not be televised?

(with apologies to Springsteen, The Script and G Scott-Heron)

The Knight Prince

Happy New Year Prime Minister!

  Hello!

The war must be going very well!

   Well, yes… it is….

I hear you have a new knight to champion your cause!

   Er…

Yes, Sir Prince!

   Oh, but knighthoods are not political appointments!

And neither are the Royals!

  No!

So what is the point of them?

   Well, they show others what we stand for! And they make us feel good too.

You must be feeling really good then, Prime Minister???

   Hmmm.

A Small Matter of Priorities

Prime Minister, some people are worried about the Government’s priorities…

The Government’s first priority is looking after our national interest.

Does that stop at our borders?

Well Mike, the Government will assess each issue on its merits.

Ah.

We will not waste money on frivolous and unnecessary projects!

You want maximum bang for buck, like bombing Iraq?

Our economy is vulnerable and we must focus on the most important issues!

Not Ebola, Malaria, pollution, climate change, species extinction?

We will not put our citizens at risk by committing them to deal with these problems….

So who will?

We are just a small country, with a fragile economy that mainly relies on selling natural resources to China and we can do very little….

So just a couple of bombs?

Yeah….

Putative Problem

Hello Prime Minister,

Hi Sport!

I understand we are having another review of our training system.

Yes, we need to get back basics…           

Back to basics?

Yes, our education system is in disarray.

So, not teaching the three Rs is the putative reason our education system has crashed?

Pardon? Putin has nothing to do with it!

Prime Minister, How do you spell “Diplomacy”?

S...h…i...

Umm. I said “Diplomacy”.

Listen Sport, I’m the captain of this team and if I decide to spell a word my way, then that’s how we spell it! Right!? Now out of my way …

Yes Prime Minister!

More about drones...

Hello again Minister!

Hello Mike, Pleased to be with you!

I’d like to ask you about some operational matters….

The government does not discuss operational matters….

But you have announced that our Ipod controlled drones have been flying over Iraq…

Yes.

And they did nothing?

The government does not discuss operational matters….

There was an announcement that they could not distinguish the goodies from the baddies, so they returned to base.

Hmm, but the government does not discuss operational matters….

Do you think this was a face recognition software glitch or something else??

Are you saying we only judge the enemy by their appearance?

No, I am asking for facts!

We have discussed this problem with Apple and they are preparing a special software upgrade for us called 10.0 …

Isn’t that Microsoft’s new operating system?

The Australian government demanded we only have latest and greatest, so Apple said they would give us 10.0 …

So this should solve the problem?

The government does not discuss operational matters….but we hope so…

Really?

Team Australia Declares War

Fellow Team Australia Members,

I am speaking to you in troubling circumstances from my tree bunker in faraway Arnhem Land.  I am soberly and reluctantly announcing that your government has declared war on Ibis. We have, I believe shown incredible restraint and do not go into this endeavour at all lightly. We are aware of the potential social and economic costs. However Ibis have gotten out of control. Their numbers have grown to the point where they are disrupting everyday life. We have seen Ibis walking in the main streets of our towns, putting the welfare of motorists and pedestrians at risk. Picnickers have nearly lost their heads to marauding birds.  Enough is enough. We can no longer tolerate this aberrant behaviour.

To this end, your government has purchased a fleet of the latest vertical take-off drones, equipped with the latest bird repellent noise-makers and scatter shot-guns. They will be controlled using the latest Apple iPhone 6 loaded with a top secret version of IOS 8.1 … developed by Apple U.S. under the guidance of our Air force, made in China and assembled somewhere  in Australia …. We believe this approach to be effective and affordable with minimal risk to the lives of Australians and will remove the threat that Ibis bring to the Australian way of life.

Ibis should be regarded as dangerous and no citizen should approach or attempt to engage with an Ibis. If you as a member of Team Australia, notice flocks of Ibis congregating in your neighbourhood, it is your patriotic duty to ”tweet” to  the nation so that our drones can take prompt and effective action to keep our nation safe.  The nation that “tweets” together flies!  Ibis will fall!

Further updates will be transmitted from this bunker in coming days.  I look forward to our glorious victory.

Your beloved Team Leader.

Answering Budget Questions...

So Prime Minister, how are you coping with the public anger over your budget?

The Government is doing what is best for Australia and Australians.

Do you feel people are justified in believing you have miss-led them?

Australians will learn that we have done the responsible thing for the country.

Will you change your budget in response to public criticism?

The government has developed this budget after detailed analysis and due consideration...

Do you ever answer a question directly?

The Australian people will have the opportunity to judge us at the next election....

Do you remember Kevin Rudd?

Yes, why?

Our ABC, QI

Prime Minister?

Yes?

I heard you are writing a guide book to the new ABC?

It is not called the ABC guide book!

No?

It’s called QI, ABC.

I repeat QI

I repeat QI

I repeat QI

I repeat QI

I repeat QI

I repeat QI

Oh, I see, nothing else?

No.

The War Continues

Hello Prime Minister!

Hello!

How is our war-time Prime Minister going?

Excellent!

Does it feel  good to be at war with everybody?

Good for me and good for the country!

Truly?

Yes, my father always said that young people have become too soft. They really need another war to toughen them and teach them what life is all about!

But innocent people suffer and die in wars!

For the greater good!

And nobody truly wins, except big business…

And this is good for the country….

Are you sure, Prime Minister?

The Aging Population Problem

So Prime Minister, our aging population is a major problem for your budgeting?

Don’t you worry about that now…

But I’m an aging baby boomer. I am concerned for my future!

No worries. We have had an enquiry and have a solution.

A solution?

Yes, it’s called the Pacific Solution.

But that’s for Boat People!

And it worked for them! Baby boomers like to travel and we think they will like to spend their retirement years in Asia. They will be much cheaper to support there…. I mean living expenses and medical costs will be far less. The Asians will barely notice a few Australian retirees. I mean our numbers are barely significant compared with their populations. And think of the contribution the wealthy retirees will make to the local economies! There will be no argument.

And if they don’t want to go?

Ah well, we have places we don’t use any more, where we can put them…

You have?

Yes, you know. Inverbrackie, Villawood, Port Augusta, Port Hedland….. and many others!

Black Holes revisited

Prime Minister, do you remember when in August last year I talked to you about Budgeting and Black Holes?
Black Holes??
Yes...
Black Holes? No...
Surely you remember! You said your budgeting contained no Black Holes...
Black....   Black Holes.....  Can't say I do..... Totally blacked out on that one...
Hmm, away with the stars...

Crisis!

Did you know we are at war?

We are?

Yes, no doubt about it! At war with DEBT, at war with DRUGS, at war with BOAT PEOPLE, at war with INTERNET CRIMINALS, at war with LIBERAL EDUCATIONISTS, at war with BIKIES and at war with UNIONS….  At war with our OPPONENTS.

So that’s why we need strike fighters, war time taxation and austerity measures?

Absolutely….

So you are a war-time prime minister!

The one Australia needs!

And you will bring peace?

Hell no! I would lose my job…

The Economy continued....

So Prime Minister, you promised not to increase taxes or introduce new ones….

Have you forgotten about core promises and non-core promises?

I think you said they were a thing of the past!

Some things are set in stone.

Like core promises?

No, I mean “core promises and non-core promises”…

So this is politics. Does that mean it is OK to lie?

No I think people wouldn’t like that… but you can’t  always tell people what is good for them…

So you lie to them?

No, but it is OK to scare people shitless…

What do you mean by that? Is that policy?

I’m not sure… I just thought of it…

To be continued…