Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A Small Matter of Priorities

Prime Minister, some people are worried about the Government’s priorities…
The Government’s first priority is looking after our national interest.
Does that stop at our borders?
Well Mike, the Government will assess each issue on its merits.
We will not waste money on frivolous and unnecessary projects!
You want maximum bang for buck, like bombing Iraq?
Our economy is vulnerable and we must focus on the most important issues!
Not Ebola, Malaria, pollution, climate change, species extinction?
We will not put our citizens at risk by committing them to deal with these problems….
So who will?
We are just a small country, with a fragile economy that mainly relies on selling natural resources to China and we can do very little….
So just a couple of bombs?

Monday, October 13, 2014

Putative Problem

Hello Prime Minister,
Hi Sport!
I understand we are having another review of our training system.
Yes, we need to get back basics…           
Back to basics?
Yes, our education system is in disarray.
So, not teaching the three Rs is the putative reason our education system has crashed?
Pardon? Putin has nothing to do with it!
Prime Minister, How do you spell “Diplomacy”?
Umm. I said “Diplomacy”.
Listen Sport, I’m the captain of this team and if I decide to spell a word my way, then that’s how we spell it! Right!? Now out of my way …
Yes Prime Minister!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

More about drones...

Hello again Minister!
Hello Mike, Pleased to be with you!
I’d like to ask you about some operational matters….
The government does not discuss operational matters….
But you have announced that our Ipod controlled drones have been flying over Iraq…
And they did nothing?
The government does not discuss operational matters….
There was an announcement that they could not distinguish the goodies from the baddies, so they returned to base.
Hmm, but the government does not discuss operational matters….
Do you think this was a face recognition software glitch or something else??
Are you saying we only judge the enemy by their appearance?
No, I am asking for facts!
We have discussed this problem with Apple and they are preparing a special software upgrade for us called 10.0 …
Isn’t that Microsoft’s new operating system?
The Australian government demanded we only have latest and greatest, so Apple said they would give us 10.0 …
So this should solve the problem?
The government does not discuss operational matters….but we hope so…

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Team Australia Declares War

Fellow Team Australia Members,

I am speaking to you in troubling circumstances from my tree bunker in faraway Arnhem Land.  I am soberly and reluctantly announcing that your government has declared war on Ibis. We have, I believe shown incredible restraint and do not go into this endeavour at all lightly. We are aware of the potential social and economic costs. However Ibis have gotten out of control. Their numbers have grown to the point where they are disrupting everyday life. We have seen Ibis walking in the main streets of our towns, putting the welfare of motorists and pedestrians at risk. Picnickers have nearly lost their heads to marauding birds.  Enough is enough. We can no longer tolerate this aberrant behaviour.

To this end, your government has purchased a fleet of the latest vertical take-off drones, equipped with the latest bird repellent noise-makers and scatter shot-guns. They will be controlled using the latest Apple iPhone 6 loaded with a top secret version of IOS 8.1 … developed by Apple U.S. under the guidance of our Air force, made in China and assembled somewhere  in Australia …. We believe this approach to be effective and affordable with minimal risk to the lives of Australians and will remove the threat that Ibis bring to the Australian way of life.

Ibis should be regarded as dangerous and no citizen should approach or attempt to engage with an Ibis. If you as a member of Team Australia, notice flocks of Ibis congregating in your neighbourhood, it is your patriotic duty to ”tweet” to  the nation so that our drones can take prompt and effective action to keep our nation safe.  The nation that “tweets” together flies!  Ibis will fall!

Further updates will be transmitted from this bunker in coming days.  I look forward to our glorious victory.

Your beloved Team Leader.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Answering Budget Questions...

So Prime Minister, how are you coping with the public anger over your budget?
The Government is doing what is best for Australia and Australians.
Do you feel people are justified in believing you have miss-led them?
Australians will learn that we have done the responsible thing for the country.
Will you change your budget in response to public criticism?
The government has developed this budget after detailed analysis and due consideration...
Do you ever answer a question directly?
The Australian people will have the opportunity to judge us at the next election....
Do you remember Kevin Rudd?
Yes, why?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


Prime Minister?
I heard you are writing a guide book to the new ABC?
It is not called the ABC guide book!
It’s called QI, ABC.
I repeat QI
I repeat QI
I repeat QI
I repeat QI
I repeat QI
I repeat QI
Oh, I see, nothing else?


The War Continues

Hello Prime Minister!
How is our war-time Prime Minister going?
Does it feel  good to be at war with everybody?
Good for me and good for the country!
Yes, my father always said that young people have become too soft. They really need another war to toughen them and teach them what life is all about!
But innocent people suffer and die in wars!
For the greater good!
And nobody truly wins, except big business…
And this is good for the country….

Are you sure, Prime Minister?

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Aging Population Problem

So Prime Minister, our aging population is a major problem for your budgeting?
Don’t you worry about that now…
But I’m an aging baby boomer. I am concerned for my future!
No worries. We have had an enquiry and have a solution.
A solution?
Yes, it’s called the Pacific Solution.
But that’s for Boat People!
And it worked for them! Baby boomers like to travel and we think they will like to spend their retirement years in Asia. They will be much cheaper to support there…. I mean living expenses and medical costs will be far less. The Asians will barely notice a few Australian retirees. I mean our numbers are barely significant compared with their populations. And think of the contribution the wealthy retirees will make to the local economies! There will be no argument.
And if they don’t want to go?
Ah well, we have places we don’t use any more, where we can put them…
You have?

Yes, you know. Inverbrackie, Villawood, Port Augusta, Port Hedland….. and many others!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Black Holes revisited

Prime Minister, do you remember when in August last year I talked to you about Budgeting and Black Holes?
Black Holes??
Black Holes? No...
Surely you remember! You said your budgeting contained no Black Holes...
Black....   Black Holes.....  Can't say I do..... Totally blacked out on that one...
Hmm, away with the stars...


Did you know we are at war?
We are?
Yes, no doubt about it! At war with DEBT, at war with DRUGS, at war with BOAT PEOPLE, at war with INTERNET CRIMINALS, at war with LIBERAL EDUCATIONISTS, at war with BIKIES and at war with UNIONS….  At war with our OPPONENTS.
So that’s why we need strike fighters, war time taxation and austerity measures?
So you are a war-time prime minister!
The one Australia needs!
And you will bring peace?

Hell no! I would lose my job…

The Economy continued....

So Prime Minister, you promised not to increase taxes or introduce new ones….
Have you forgotten about core promises and non-core promises?
I think you said they were a thing of the past!
Some things are set in stone.
Like core promises?
No, I mean “core promises and non-core promises”…
So this is politics. Does that mean it is OK to lie?
No I think people wouldn’t like that… but you can’t  always tell people what is good for them…
So you lie to them?
No, but it is OK to scare people shitless…
What do you mean by that? Is that policy?
I’m not sure… I just thought of it…

To be continued…

Monday, February 3, 2014

Deja Vu

So how does it feel to be Prime Minister after five months in power?
Great! It’s like riding a bike!
How so?
You get on it, put your head down and your bum up and you pedal like mad!
So how do you know where you’re going?
Ah, you look in the rear-view mirror!
You do?
Yes and you see all the great Party leaders and their past policies guiding you…
Into the future?
Yes it is a brave new world!
Just like the old one?

Ah, so now I understand….